The 5th Day of Christmas. Building Heart, deepening self, sharing solitude

Taking time for deepening and solitude is what these midwinter days invite us into (as do Rainer Maria Rilke and Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

Bleeding Heart foretelling Spring, A. Furchert.

Friends and Fellow Travelers,

I am writing for you in the wee hours of this 5th day of Christmas, where night and morning meet. It is quiet in the house, my four year old is still dreaming and my husband is already making coffee and waiting to edit my German English. Getting up early isn’t what I do well, but today I welcome the challenge to greet the morning before my four year old crawls out of bed to greet me.

How have you been doing on this pilgrimage so far, dear fellow traveler?

We are almost half way through our journey to Epiphany! Just around the corner is the threshold where the old and new year meet. It is a traditional marker of the circular nature of our journey, a pause in the circle of the seasons where we reflect on the past and the future. While we are walking through the 12 Days of Christmas we are also walking through the midwinter days, the darkest days of the year, in-between days the Celtic tradition calls omen days. The old is not quite gone yet and the new has not arrived yet.

Time is in suspension inviting us almost organically into retreating.

Thus, in the next days we will guide you into reflections on the old and anticipation of the new. From there it is just a short sprint to Twelfth Night and Epiphany.

But do not feel rushed on this journey or anxious for its end. For in our pilgrimage towards the heart of Christmas we always arrive where we began, at our own heart. Where else shall Emmanuel, God-with-us, be birthed? Where shall the light of hope find shelter, the Eternal word find its dwelling if not in the humble stable of a human heart?

Friends, we are almost at our goal. If we hurry we can cram a few more meditations into the days left us. The spiritual marketplace is crowded with opportunities and saints’ days. Perhaps if we order a whole bunch of things, something will work. We can send the others back in return mail.

Let us resist this impulse and instead deepen what we already have. Søren Kierkegaard writes we are often smitten by the promise of a famous teacher who shows you the easy way to accumulate more spirituality. This teacher sells finely packaged bits of insight and thoughtfully curated spiritual feelings.

But the difficulty, he says, is that when it comes to existence we are all learners and not consumers. If we eat without digesting we become sick. If we only take in ‘spiritual experiences’ without grappling with their implications, without deepening them, without taking them to heart, without letting them change us, we will lose our way. The deeper self is not a thing we find when digging deeper, but what grows within us through our deepening.

So friends, we are already at our goal — we already have our hearts with us. And every year again we are pulled by the longing and the need for Divine incarnation. There are no teachers for such a journey. There is just practice, centered in and guided by the heart. The journey is strenuous. It might lead you through the dark streets of little Bethlehem or into the birth pangs of Mary. Or into the long travel of the wise (wo)men. It might lead you through some valleys you did not know would be on the road.

Do not lose hope, traveler. If you grasp hope firmly, even failure, especially failure, can be the door to the heart. Take courage. We are all on the same journey towards the stable of the heart.

Sharing Solitude

One of my fondest memories of shared solitude was a contemplative cloister retreat we led at St. John's Abbey, MN a couple of years ago. When we arrived at the meeting place on the second morning of our retreat we found our guests already sitting by and with each other, silently, while reading and meditating. There was such a beautiful, quiet, energy of community in the room, of anticipation and togetherness while still being alone with one's own thoughts.

Our culture has not much interest in this sort of shared solitude, much less for solitude. Every time spot has to be filled, every box checked, every line written, every word said. We do not know anymore how to live with ourselves, or with each other. Solitude seems rather a burden than a gift.

Our burden and bliss with solitude has probably never been more beautifully expressed than by the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke. And it has become a tradition to come back to it at one of our 12 Days (because repetition is a form of deepening!). In a letter to a young poet who struggled with his loneliness around Christmas time, RMR writes the following: 

"My dear Mr. Kappus,

I don't want you to be without a greeting from me when Christmas comes and when you, in the midst of the holiday, are bearing your solitude more heavily than usual. But when you notice that it is vast, you should be happy; for what (you should ask yourself) would a solitude be that was not vast; there is only one solitude, and it is vast, heavy, difficult to bear, and almost everyone has hours when he would gladly exchange it for any kind of sociability, however trivial or cheap, for the tiniest outward agreement with the first person who comes along, the most unworthy. But perhaps these are the very hours during which solitude grows; for its growing is painful as the growing of boys and sad as the beginning of spring. But that must not confuse you.
What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours - that is what you must be able to attain. To be solitary as you were when you were a child, when the grownups walked around involved with matters that seemed large and important because they looked so busy and because you didn't understand a thing about what they were doing...."

It is often times of crisis or dislocation which point us to such "vast inner solitude," that call us to step out of the business of our daily routine, of the noisy busyness with which we distract ourselves. These times call us to "walk inside ourselves" in order to find what still lies hidden. This being alone with oneself is very different from being lonely. As with all experience from the inner realm, it cannot be described in objective language. And it is slippery and dangerous. Being alone can lead the unwary into loneliness, melancholy and despair; but learning to be alone the right way can also make a way to heal our deepest loneliness.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer has remarked on this "dialectical character" of solitude in his book Living Together: Only in community do we learn to be rightly alone and only through aloneness do we learn to live rightly in community. And he advises us to grant each other spaces where we can practice solitude. “The day together” will be unfruitful without “the day alone” – after a time of quiet we will meet each other in a different and fresh way again.

So below, I invite you to a deepening practice. For all who want to go some deeper. Or just go there for a blessing :-)

However you approach it, thank you for journeying with us through this precious time!

And May Christmas find you where you are, Almut

Deepening Questions

Reread Rilke's lines above on the mixed appearances of solitude. What experiences or times of your own life come to mind? When has solitude knocked at your door last? What or whom have you met when you walked the last time "inside yourself"? Can you find an image or phrase for this encounter? How can this memory encourage you to try again?

A Blessing

May you find courage
to walk inside yourself.
may you find rest
in the stillness of your heart
pondering new beginnings,
and may your tears be like the first rain
after a long winter season,
loosening the soil
foretelling the coming spring…

AF

This post is part of our 12 Days of Christmas Series 2023/24: “Reclaiming Joy,” a Contemplative Journey towards the heart of Christmas. You can find all previous posts here. To subscribe or to upgrade your subscription click here. To share your thoughts with us, respond to this email or comment below.

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If you are looking for personal consultation to receive some guidance for your deepening feel free to write me. I do have a few places coming up in the new year :-)